Compiled by Tae Preecorter | General Contributor

Notable quotes of 2017, from the pages of Bass Lake Beacon.

“I walked into the room, and there it wasn’t.”
— Olden A. Goodway, clerk-treasurer, Town of Bass Lake

“What is a ‘mandate,’ anyway?” No, seriously, what’s the definition?”
— Simon Greenless, president, Bass Lake School Board of Education

“Martin Van Buren, Marty V to his friends, had the run of the White House during the Van Buren administration … His favorite color was mutton.”
— Betsy Johannesberg, annual fifth-grade presidential 45-word Presidents Day essay contest

“Sure, there’s a warrant for his arrest, but it’s far from ‘outstanding.’ These charges are unwarranted.”
— Attorney of Autonomy Jonex, in connection with an alleged incident

“I yelled at the fat policeman to stop ruining the story.”
— Jimmy Fracas, local third-grader, Dr. Seuss birthday party

“Same thing happens every year, Those people are always late. What? They can’t buy a watch?”
— Mr. Gibbons

“I would not want any of the crimes I’m not guilty of to be solved on the basis of what is in that shed. It’s almost as if Larry, Curley and Moe Howard plus Barney Fife were in charge of ‘NCIS: Instant Justice.’”
— Forrest Bunkard, mayor of Bass Lake, State of the Town Address

“Prospective award recipients are expected to show uniqueness, but restraint, as far as care and nurturing of their driveway goes.”
— Jennifer Cliffton, pre-organizer, “Driveway of the Month”

“That change helped us focus on the patient. We used to be concerned mostly with getting off early on Fridays. Not anymore.”
— Margo DeLathridge, spokesperson, Regional Corporate Hospital

“What are these hippies gonna do next? Organize sit-ins? Burn brassieres and draft cards? Hold a free, three-day festival of peace, love and music, featuring some of the hottest rock ’n’ roll acts of the day? This has gotta stop.”
— Arnold Eagran, 71 (ret.)

“Clean as a whistle. At least, clean as a whistle that hasn’t been spat into.”
— Steven Cattens, educator and lake-science spokesman, Michiana Department of Natural Resources Extension Service

“Do you realize how massive that cabinet is? It’s the collective weight of The Steel Curtain, minus Ernie Holmes. Everyone forgets about him. He was the John Entwistle of the NFL.”
— Forrest Bunkard, mayor of Bass Lake

“Not only do we have to avoid injuries. We need them not to happen in the first place.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head coach, Bass Lake High School varsity football

“I’ve had a good run. But it’s time for the next chapter of my life — Chapter 6.”
— Marcie Longbranch, 1-year teacher, Bass Lake Schools

“Who needs all that crappy food and those overpriced magazines? Not me, that’s for sure.”
— Jack Miround,  newly hired head of Coffer Enhancement, Bass Lake Elementary

“I’m not going anywhere. Not until my last screw-top chick trough is out the door.”
— Cooper Sanderstroms, owner-operator, Cooper’s Coops and Chicken Accessories in the heart of Trout Lane