Compiled by McCormick Lethargy | Apathetic Archivist

“He was completely unconscious. That’s why he was passed out on the bench in the second half and couldn’t play anymore.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head basketball coach, Bass Lake High School

“Many people plan lengthy trips for family gatherings (for MLK Jr. Day), social-justice rallies and potluck-dinner discussion sessions about racial equality.”
— Christa Filker, media liaison, Michiana Highway Control

“We think it might have been, um, I can’t pronounce his name. He’s a foreigner, we think. Hawaiian, maybe. Lots of apostrophes.”
— Tug McNabb, police chief, town of Bass Lake

“Would The Beatles dare to boot Pete Best? Could Jon Anderson be replaced without warning? All signs point to ‘No,’” … Oh wait, that stuff actually happened. Sorry, bad examples.”
— Forrest Bunkard, mayor of Bass Lake

“We’re using green food coloring to color everything green. Green batter, green syrup, green milk, green pigs. It’s our way of giving back to the Irish.”
— Flip“Flap” Jack, co-server, annual pancake extravaganza

“This year, it’s bring-your-own-eggs. We regret the inconvenience, but we can’t foot the bill for everything. Paying somebody to portray Santa Claus for an afternoon pretty much drained the funding.”
— Jennifer Sparkle, co-organizer, egg-gathering/ham walk

“Drinking beer and flushing just go together.”
— John Flagmore, owner, Brad’s Keg and Beverage

“I wasn’t elected to obey the law. I was elected to right the wrongs as per the history of western civilization.”
— Forrest Bunkard, mayor of Bass Lake

“Be most careful. Safety comes first — immediately after profit.”
— Beijing John Yen of Beijing John’s Boom-Boom Chinese Fireworks at Beijing Bait & Tackle

“You’ve heard the phrase ‘whatever can go wrong, will?’ Well, this was worse.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head coach, Bass Lake High School Canoes football

“None of it means anything to me, but I trust the judgment of the board, even the people on it I don’t like.”
— Simon Greenless, superintendent, Bass Lake schools

“It’s much easier on our crew members if they don’t have to work.”
— Russel Enfall, leaf pickup crew chief, town of Bass Lake

“I’ve been looking for a miniature torch to tease my little sister with. Nothing harmful, mind you. Just something to, let’s say, tan her tiny fingers a bit.”
— Little Skip “Rocky” Tumaloo, 9