Notable quotations from the Bass Lake Beacon area, 2015:

“It was a good night, before that happened.”
—  Grumpy Tate, owner, Grumpy’s Friendly Diner

“Have any of you seen how meatballs are made?”
— Jennifer Juniper

“There was only about an inch-and-a-half then, but now there’s like an inch-and-three-quarters.”
—Irv Brainard, local ice-fishing enthusiast

“If he could pass the ball to himself, he’d be first-team all-conference.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head basketball coach, Bass Lake High School

“Our fish don’t speak Mandarin.”
— Shane McVanDerKamp, proprietor, Bass Lake Fish ‘n’ Boat

“I ask that these charges be dismissed, given the evolutionary makeup of my client.”
—Dr. Rocky Atticus, PhD, squirrel attorney

“You know how it is in this part of the region. When it rains, it snows.”
— A Bass Lake resident, disguised as mayor Guy Soundguy

“We’re just glad to have the uniform back. Those things are not cheap.”
— Stewart “Stu” Nesmith, director, Bass Lake marching canoes

“Try to spot the fake quote, which is this one.”
— Chiou Yueh, (then) chief, Bass Lake Authority Police

“We can’t work that close to structures.”
— Justine Timely, vice president, Timely Concrete Sidewalks

“It was probably faulty wiring. It almost always is.”
— Tug McNabb, ex-chief of police

“Basketball indoors? That’s just nonsense.”
— Helen Sanderstroms, director of athletics, Bass Lake University

“Where’s it going to stop? I’m vaguely disillusioned.”
— Jorge Valasquez, Bass Lake resident

“Well, some of it, I give to charity. Charity’s my sister-in-law.”
— Robert Furrow, a farmer near Out-on-the-Highway Road

“It’s the best tip I’ve gotten. Percentage-wise.”
— Rhiannon Lewis-Pasture, 26

“I don’t understand the question.”
—Bill “Shaggy” Billingsbund, satisfied client, Hair We Go

“I thought I was brought on-board to convert English to Chinese, not the other way ‘round, mate.”
— Sidney Canberra, pre-interpreter

“I’ve heard a lot about some of them TV shows like ‘Seinfelt’ and ‘Gilligant’s Island.'”
— Ray Dioczak, Bass Lake

“There’s nothing like a little ‘Theatre of Pain’ to get your juices flowing.”
— Kenny Grimes, nighttime roofer (and daytime lover)

“I’ve seen these so-called art shows. Thanks, but no thanks, thank you very much.”
— M. Adam Bradbury, Bass Lake Town Council (R-Bass Lake, PhD history)

“I’m not at liberty to speculate, my attorney said in a statement.”
—T. Kevin Garling, attorney

“That opens up a can of worms, or Pandora’s Box, or something.”
— Carolyn Shee, vice president, Bass Lake Town Council

“(We) choose not to schedule new activities or do the other things, not because it’s easy, because it’s not.”
— Carolyn Shee, vice president, Bass Lake Town Council

“I can’t even — I just can’t even.”
— Spigot Crawford, 57, longtime Beacon subscriber, regarding Beacon redesign

“We have matching shirts, you don’t, so move it aside, kiddos.”
— Goodman Jeffers, team captain, Lebowski & Harrelson local bowling team

“I’m relieved that my position has been retained. Then again, I wasn’t worried much in the first place.”
— Ward Unit, director of evasive surgery, Regional Corporate Hospital

“The more we can teach kids to learn about the animal kingdom, the more we can teach them to learn about learning.”
— Askew Rankin, chief handler, Michiana Regional Animal Sanctuary and Petting Zoo

“Whoever added the word ‘dammit’ to the proposal is gonna get a call from me.”
— Olden A. Goodway, Bass Lake town clerk-treasurer

“No one uses that sidewalk except Jennifer Sparkle, Copper Sanderstoms and the occasional dead person leaving Jolly’s Morgue and Donuts. You know why? You can’t. Seriously. “
— Reggie Jones (I-Out-on-the-Highway), Bass Lake Town Council

“None of my regulars are in the Christmas spirit at all. I can’t afford law school on these tips.”
— Amber Waves, locally-based dancer

“Anything else could be construed as criminal in nature.”
— Carolyn Shee, vice president, Bass Lake Town Council

“Last year was weird.”
— Little Kenny Needsmore, 8, West Bass Lake Estates