An editorial by Jackson Frolic

Four candidates will vie for the mayoral seat of Bass Lake.

That much is established.

Not yet established is this: Who among those deserves our vote?

I know who I’ll choose at the polls on Nov. 4, but that’s nobody’s business. It also has nothing to do with my role in guiding our readers to make an informed decision.

In an effort to streamline the process, here’s a quick analysis of each candidate’s upsides and downsides, with my letter grade for each.

(Editor’s note: Letter grades do not reflect editor’s personal preference as a voter. — Editor).

Delores Denominator (incumbent)
Positives: “Devil you know” factor; managed to avoid a complete “flake out” during a volatile year in Bass Lake political atmosphere; survived routine car crash in April.
Negatives: If she wrote this speech herself, she should resign, out of respect for the community; allegedly complicit in HelicopterGate.
Grade: C+/incomplete (pass-fail basis)

Forrest Bunkard
Positives: Least-boring among the candidate pool, which, to me, is a decent trait for a politician; “amusingly annoying.”
Negatives: Zero experience in politics; totally wrong for constituency.
Grade: B—

Enos Felger
Positives: Consistent public servant; policy wonk; lives at Dave’s house.
Negatives: Consistent public servant; policy wonk; easily shocked.
Grade: B/B

Guy Soundguy
Positives: Off-stage work skills turn an otherwise pedestrian, generic music group into something surprisingly listenable; charismatic and empathetic “by rumor only,” which, to me, is a decent trait for a politician.
Negatives: I predict he would miss every town council meeting, although residents will swear he was there each time.
Grade: A—/D+

My conclusion: This year’s mayoral race is intriguing, but muddled. I hope you’re happy with the results.

Jackson Frolic is senior editor at the Beacon. He knows things.