Several community members are vying for the honorable seat of Bass Lake mayor in this year’s 2014 local election race.
As a public service and democratic-duty guide, the Beacon has provided a summary of each candidate’s goals, background, age and viability. The choice is up to you, the reader-voters.
Want a summary? Here it goes:
Delores Common Denominator (incumbent-by-default)
Age: 41 (and holding).
Party, precinct/place of residence: As often as possible wherever her feet land.
Day-job: Mayor-by-default of Bass Lake, Michiana. Runs a part-time scrapbooking business using found objects.
Platform/goals if re-elected: “Keep Bass Lake working away from the past.” Denominator wants to “increase spending by the federal government by micro-targeting project earmarks toward the eventual elimination of growing unemployment in the Bass Lake area and region of Michiana known as Bass Lake while honoring our elders and those who would fight for our freedom in the event of an attack by those who hate us and our free-form found-object ideals.”
Quote: “Those charges will never stick.”
Age: 46 (had been 45).
Party, precinct/place of residence: Semi-Libertarian, Uptown.
Day-job: Administrative assistant at Bass Lake Inn-Convenience Store; part-time archivist at Bass Lake Public/Private Library.
Platform/goals if elected: “Platform of nuance,” post-subversive (yet acceptable) adeptness around the fringe. “My main vibe is: a late-’60s-era Arnold Palmer producing a Go-Go’s album featured in a documentary about MTV, with Bill Murray starring as Kurt Loder.”
Quote: “I plan to work for the common man, and the uncommon woman, and everything in between. Think of “Tootsie,” but veering toward Michael Dorsey instead of Dorothy Michaels — with Rosie the Riveter doing karaoke to a Bruce Springsteen tune from “Nebraska.”
Party, precinct/place of residence: Democrat, Dave’s house.
Day-job: Assistant deputy supervisor at the highway barn on Out-On-The-Highway Road.
Platform/goals if elected: Across the board pay increases for assistant deputy supervisors at the highway barn. Elimination of free public ramp access for out-of-towners. Rewriting the town charter to update the phrase in section 2.02 General Powers and Duties from the current wording, “the council shall provide for the exercise thereof and for the performance of all duties and obligations imposed on the municipality by law, to “…whatever we feel like doing.”
Quote: “I’m tired of all this yikkety-yak about official duties and letter-of-the-law nonsense. I know what’s right. And so do the good people of Bass Lake.”
Party, precinct/place of residence: Non-commital Party, Bass Lake vicinity.
Day-job: Mixing-console-manipulator for Local Cover Band, Bass Lake’s most enduring local cover band (night job); temp-worker in the free-spirit industry.
Platform/goals if elected: Show up as needed, whenever I can (culled second-hand based on overheard conversations). Brag privately about being named Resident of the Year for 2014.
Quote: “(Soundguy) would uphold the Town Charter as well as anyone, if we have a charter, or anything like that,” said Local Cover Band lead singer Skippy Jenson. “Cast a vote for rock!”