Notable quotable and comments in the Bass Lake Beacon area, 2016.

“Those rodents would gnaw on a Clem Bricksten’s wooden leg, even if he never washed it, which he doesn’t. But don’t quote me on that.”
— M. I. Angola, struggling Bass Lake author

“It’s a community gathering and fun for the whole family. Food would be part of the festivities. And … and fun, too, did I mention that?”
— Emilee Van Dickinson, local resident/artist-in-residence

“I’m not at liberty to speculate, my attorney said in a statement.”
—T. Kevin Garling, attorney

“We lost by 21 points. You won’t win many games with stats like that.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head football coach, Bass Lake High School

“Ned was yelling something about the ‘right to plow’ contract he said he signed.”
— Brittney Cleveland, local resident

“When you deduct, round up. When you count your winnings, don’t count them. It’s all very simple.”
— Ned Levelcut, tax expert, from seminar “Nothing from Nothing: How to Conceal Your Income and Pay What You Deserve”

  “Cha-ching!”
— Johnny Wen, Beijing Bait & Tackle/Floral Shop, Bass Lake

“Basically, we’re going to tell employees there is no bonus plan.”
— Simon Greenless, president, Bass Lake School Board of Education

“You know what channel should be illegal? The one next to Funky’s on the Bayou.
— Carolyn Shee, now former/then current Bass Lake mayor

“I’m officially astonished.”
— Flip “Flap” Jackson, pancake chef, 102nd nearly-annual Pancake Extravaganza

“Shut up and quit asking me things.”
— Greg “Funky” Gregory, owner, Funky’s on the Bayou

“I try to teach kids this mantra: ‘Mental health first; environment second; family third … with art a distant fourth, just ahead of God.’”
— Wonkie Scrimpton, longtime school nurse, Bass Lake Elementary

“Go figure.”
— Park Zagel, head coach, Bass Lake University men’s/boys’ basketball team

“R-E-S-P-C-T-E! Dammit, did I spell that wrong again?”
— Bot Hezley, assistant principal, Bass Lake Elementary

“Hey, McCall, are you gonna tell some jokes?!”
— Vryce Tatum, heckling-arts intern, Bass Lake High School

“Closest we came to talking was one time in the rest room … I nodded in his general direction, he sneezed, then out the door he went.”
— Enos Felger (D-Dave’s House)

“Oh … that!”
— Shirley Sparkle, former multi-time champion, Bass Lake youth fishing contest

“That was a tragedy. But her jam was top-notch. Most of it, anyways.”
— Pheetus Gimble, spokesfarmer

“The goal here at Regional Corporate Hospital is to establish a list of priorities about what not to do, and whatnot.”
— Margo DeLathridge, media liaison and pre-RN/LPN, Regional Corporate Hospital

“It may be here, it may be there — it may not happen anywhere.”
— Elliott Chamberton, president, Bass Lake University

“I’m sorry, but that’s just stupid.”
— Hacienda Manceto, parent of a Bass Lake student

“The field may be in better condition than our student-athletes.”
— Lonnie Sugarmort, groundskeeper, Bass Lake High School

“I think I speak for all of us. I really do.”
— Carolyn Shee, former assumed mayor of Bass Lake

“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head football coach, Bass Lake High School

“So it’s kind of like out of the hands of babes to the hands of other babes, I guess.”
— Tug McNabb, reinstated chief of police

“That fat cop took me to that chicken store uptown. I ended up with a metal funnel.”
 — Little Kenny Needsmore, 9

“I’m reminded of the ‘Gilligan’s Island’ episode where Gilligan becomes president of the island. Funny.”
— Forrest Bunkard, mayor of Bass Lake

“The whole thing was a waste of time.”
— Olden A. Goodway, clerk/treasurer, Town of Bass Lake