By M. I. Angola | Beacon columnist

Here we go again. It’s election season and once more the fine people of Bass Lake are confronted with a plethora of non-choices in the upcoming election. What is it about the local pols that they can’t find any worthy candidates from among their ranks? Instead of viable, qualified standard-bearers who put the public first we have a race card full of ward-heelers, neo-Mugwumps and hacks. And that’s just for Bass Lake High School student council president. I can’t even think about the offal running for Bass Lake mayor. But that’s what I’ve been asked to do so do it I will.

Let’s consider mayor-by-default Delores Denominator. Well…let’s not.

Then there’s Forrest Bunkard, 46. Bunkard, 46, is the guy who is in charge of purchasing stuff for the Bass Lake Inn-Convenience Store. Has anyone ever tried shopping there? Last week I stopped in for some cheese. All I found in the warmish cooler was a chunk of Havarti left over from the Johnson Administration. I was steamed. I needed a chunk of Havarti from no earlier than Ford’s clumsy first year. What a crackpot! Ford I mean. He may have been a tremendous buffoon but he certainly was no cheese expert. Plus he suffered from hypercholesterolemia. Then again who doesn’t? Anyway, Bunkard, 46, can’t keep his cheeses up to date. How can we expect him to guide this fine citizenry into the gaping hole of the next two years, or four years, whatever the term may be?

Enos Felger. My first question is who is Dave? My second questions is where is Dave’s house? No one seems to know. And Felger’s “yikkety-yak”(ing) (sic) about changing the charter makes my nose run. At least this flaccid Enos has the stones to let us in on his money woes. The highway barn may not pay well but I bet the old Felger has his freezers stuffed with prime roadkill. In short, Stun Gun should try again and shock some sense into Felger. That would be awesome!

Last and certainly not least is Guy Soundguy, the one candidate who fails to bore the pants off everyone in the room. Soundguy fails at this because as far as anyone can tell he’s never been seen, in a room or otherwise. His bandmates in Local Cover Band, Bass Lake’s most enduring cover band, claim Soundguy is their sound guy, but thus far have yet to offer any proof. Soundguy is also purported to be a repo man for Czech Republic bigwigs. Anybody remember that helicopter? Soundguy solved that problem without a peep. That may just be what this town needs.

M. I. Angola, in addition to being a keen political observer, is a failed novelist. He lives on Bass Lake in a failed houseboat.