From Beacon quote reports

 Bass Lake Beacon notable quotables, January 2015:

“It was a good night, before that happened.”
—  Grumpy Tate, owner of Grumpy’s Friendly Diner

“We tried something different, and it failed. Now shut up.”
— Greg “Funky” Gregory, owner of Funky’s on the Bayou

“Have any of you seen how meatballs are made?”
— Jennifer Juniper

“This is not a threat — it is a threat which is also a promise.”
— Chiou Yueh, new acting chief, Bass Lake Authority Police

“There was only about an inch-and-a-half then, but now there’s like an inch-and-three-quarters.”
—Irv Brainard, local ice-fishing enthusiast

“… I spent my summer mowing money on bus fare and a concert ticket. I think that’s what killed him. Of course, I was in Youngstown when that happened, I think.”
— Greg “Buzz” Beeswax

“If he could pass the ball to himself, he’d be first-team all-conference.”
— Zeb Dreppelin, head basketball coach, Bass Lake High School

“We have entered the big-time. I don’t know what it means, but there’s little doubt it means more than I think.”
— Carolyn Shee, vice president, Bass Lake Town Council