Annual President Biography Contest Set to Explode

By A. Finn Moss | Working from home

Elmer Sgluebottle would be proud. This year’s entries into the umpteenth Bass Lake Elementary Fifth Grader President Biography Contest have outdone themselves. The young biographers featured this year range from clueless hilarity to post-gender confusion in their attempts at rewriting the histories of the most famous 46 Americans ever to live as President. Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer this can go on.

I haven’t been into the office in nearly two years and have not had an “editor” look at my byline during that time. Is anyone reading this? I no longer care. Anyway, here they are, for good or ill.

James Monroe

James Monroe, by Heycliff Doane-Tuchmey

Like most presidents, James Monroe was born in Virginia. Before entering politics, he slaved away on a plantation, with little success. So, like most failed farmers, he became a lawyer. He invented The Monroe Indoctrination. He was married and had three children, but nobody remembers.

Donald J Trump

Donald J. Trump, by Lance Blowhard IIIII

My favorite president is Donald J. Trump. He has been president for 5 years. Someone stole his crown so he pretends he isn’t. Sally did that to me this year and school lied but me and all my friends know I won. I hate Sally.

William Jefferson Clinton

William Jefferson Clinton, by Enrollee 252

Bill Clinton thought they were the first Black president. They weren’t. Their legal partner, Hillary R. Clinton, ran for president after they did. They won the main vote but they lost the other vote. They had many affairs. Clinton may run again. Or maybe not.

Chester Alan Arthur

Chester Alan Arthur, by Field Marshall Johnson
Chester Alan Arthur was president number 21. My grandfather says he looks like H.R. Pufnstuf but I don’t know who that is. Arthur came in after the one before him got shot. He didn’t do much as president. Then he retired. He clashed with Hayes.

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