Despite redefinition of the position, President bios contest surges ahead


By A. Finn Moss | Why am I still on this beat?

With the current President of the United States of America continuing to challenge the concept of what it means to hold the position, and in spite of the attack on facts and scholarship, the 36th or 40th or whatever annual Bass Lake Elementary School 5th grade President Biography Contest is plowing ahead.

The brainchild of perennial 5th grader Elmer Sgluebottle, the president bio contest has produced some of the finest 45-word history encapsulations to be found this side of Nearbytown.

So now, without further typing on my part, here are this year’s entrants. (Due to a severe lack of interest on the part of Bass Lake Elementary School 5th graders this year, there are only two (2) stabs at revisionism. (Also, funding for US history instruction has been slashed from the BLES budget in favor of a module called ‘Jesus: Where is He now?’))

John Quincy Adams, 6th President, March 4, 1825 – March 4, 1829

John Quincy Adams

By Cam Shaft

John Quincy Adams was born in 1767 to future president John Adams and future first lady Mrs. Adams. As a president, JQA didn’t do much on account of Congress didn’t let him. But before he was president, he bought Florida from the Spanish. The end.


John Tyler, 10th President, April 4, 1841 – March 4, 1845

John Tyler

By Condor Iglesias

John Tyler was the third president called John and the only John at that point whose last name wasn’t Adams. He wore a whig until September 13, 1841, at which point he realized he had a receding hairline. He got the job when Harrison died.



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