By Art N. Craft | Beacon Zeitgeist Supplier

Happy Fourth (4th) of July to one and the rest of you on this Fourth of July Day 2017 in Bass Lake! Help celebrate the 241st birthday of the U.S of A.

Here’s a brief listing of the day’s events:

• First Annual Bass Lake Arts and/or Crafts Fair, 8 a.m. – 9 p.m., at Gerald Fjord. Expect handmade repurposed found objects, coffee mugs, photographs, yard stuff, artisan toothpicks, bathtub cheese, backyard beer, farm animals, quarreling booth.
• Kiddie Boat Parade, noon thirty to 2 p.m. at Bass Lake Fish ‘n Boat. Expect watery fun as the children of Bass Lake race about in boats of questionable lake worthiness, near drowning, exasperated parents, and Participation Ribbons for all.
• Bass Lake Bake-Off and Sale, all day from 1 p.m. – Close at Jolly’s Morgue and Donut parking lot. Expect pies, cakes, eclairs, tarts, muffins, coffee, and donut. Morgue tours upon request.
• Bass Lake Town Picnic, 1 p.m. – first-confirmed case of botulism, Newlee-Tydald Park. Expect undercooked brats, overcooked burgers, soggy chips, drunk uncles, casseroles, beans, ill-advised mayonnaise-based salads, warm beer, offensive talent show, lawn game injuries.
• Uncle Tug’s Fireworks Tent, 4 p.m. – 7 p.m. at Bass Lake Authority Police information booth near Town Rhombus. Expect zingers, blasters, mortars, sparklers, punk sticks, firecrackers, pipe bombs, whippies, boomers, ground effects, fountains, and long lines. (While supplies exist!)
• Bass Lake Fire and Emergency Institute Live Demonstration, 4:30 p.m. till necessary at Uncle Tug’s Fireworks Tent near Town Rhombus. Expect random explosions, first-and-second-degree burns, smoke inhalation, screaming, singed eyebrows and knuckle hair, denial of responsibility, lengthy inquest.
• Annual Fireworks Portrayal, post-daylight, pre-moonglow at former Bass Lake University Stadium on Stadium Drive near the site of the old stadium. Expect long-winded pre-fireworks speeches laden with obscure cultural references, meaningless jingoism, and bad poetry. Featured speakers include Mayor Forrest Bunkard and Bass Lake Poet Laureate Al Schwartz, and former mayor Guy Soundguy.