The BLAP Beat is taken from the Bass Lake Authority Police dispatch log. 

A call to Bass Lake Authority Police was received at approximately 1:45 a.m. Sunday. The caller said he was calling to alert police of something. After several minutes of discussion with the caller a bicycle patrol officer was dispatched to the aught block of  First Cause Lane. Officer McNabb arrived at the location and found the caller still on the phone with dispatch. The caller handed the phone to officer McNabb, who then asked why he was there. The caller could be heard in the background responding to officer McNabb’s question. Following is a transcript of the exchange:

Officer McNabb: Dispatch, why am I here?
Caller: Ah…the eternal question.
OM: Shut up! I’m not talking to you.
Caller: What difference does that make? The answers are the same.
OM: Isn’t there some other call I can go on? This guy is freaking me out.
Dispatch: What is your 20 Tug, er, officer McNabb?
OM: My what?
Caller (shouting): He’s in my kitchen going through my fridge. I’d smell that first, tubby.
Dispatch: Tug! What is happening?
OM (chewing): You got any mayo?
Caller: Behind the applesauce. It’s a squeeze bottle.
OM: I hate those things.
Caller: Right?
Dispatch: Bicycle patrol officer McNabb, return to base immediately. Repeat, return….

At this point, the line went dead. No charges or reports of any kind were filed.