BLU commencement speaker goes off without warning

By Clara Glendale | Beacon Higher Education Standby Reporter

Barrel
The home of The Dweller in this undated photo taken on August 10, 2013, while on vacation near the shores of Bass Lake. The Dweller was the surprise BLU 2015 commencement speaker sometime last week or so. (Submitted by none of your (profanity) business.)

With little fanfare and even less recognition from parents and media outlets, 45 members of Bass Lake University’s class of 2015 marched across the stage to collect their sheepskins, in this case, beaver skins.

The annual recognition of four years or more of intense beer drinking and “Jeopardy” watching, held as always at an undisclosed location, featured not only the happy graduates and their student loan officers but a surprise guest commencement speaker, who goes by the name of The Dweller, and who is perhaps better known as “that guy living in that barrel near Out-on-the-Highway Road.”

The Dweller, whose real name is virtually untypeable, is believed to be a BLU graduate himself though when he graduated is unclear. BLU records contain smudges from several years that could be The Dweller, but no one can confirm.

In what some have called the shortest and most profanity-laced graduation address in recent memory, The Dweller lashed out at former classmates, most of whom are deceased, and called on the class of 2015 to “protest the construction of that damned domed stadium as if my barrel depended on it!”

Bass Lake University recently approved construction of a domed stadium for Beaver athletic events and such. The site of the as yet unnamed dome is a field four miles from campus on Out-on-the-Highway Road near where The Dweller’s residence/barrel frequently positioned.

The Dweller also implored graduates to “ignore your dreams, no matter what your parents or (profanity) life coaches may tell you. They are full of (profanity). Don’t live for tomorrow. Don’t live for today. Live for last Thursday and that fresh roadkill that would have been yours if that (profanity) mother of a (profanity profanity profanity) semi driver hadn’t totally (profanity) obliterated the (profanity) possum without the slightest (profanity) regard for the well-being of his (profanity profanity profanity). Live for your memories, not your dreams or your realities, which most likely suck.”

By the time BLU security forces chased The Dweller from the dais, most of the graduates had already wandered off. A carry-in supper followed in the BLU concourse, but no one showed up.

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