By A. Finn Moss | Beacon biography beat
Elmer Scluebottle is probably laughing in his sandy Florida grave. Schluebottle pioneered the annual Bass Lake Elementary School Fifth-Grade Presidential Biography Contest one score and 14 years ago. This year’s profiles reflect not only the natural leaders who have occupied the big chair in our government of, by, and for the people, but the brilliance of the students our current society has produced.
So without further ado, please enjoy these four (three) engaging 45-word samples of Portraits of our Presidents.
Zachary Taylor was president for not very long because he died not very long after he got elected. He liked wigs. Taylor fought in the War of Mexico and was braver than everyone he killed. He died before he could do anything really really stupid.
Cody Clampett is in his first year of fifth grade and wants to follow in the footsteps of his brother Colt and move on to the sixth grade in two years.
Chester Alan Arthur
Mark Twain once said “it would be hard to better President Arthur’s administration.” Arthur possessed a fierce intelligence and unwavering fairness. He modeled his administration on honesty and integrity. He vetoed a ban on Chinese immigration and he eschewed party patronage. Kidney failure killed him.
Erik Yueh is the son of Chiou Yueh, chief of Bass Lake Authority Police via Bass Lake’s sister city, Beijing. Erik learned English as a three year old and is currently working on his fourth book analyzing trends in international race relations as they apply to trade policy.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
JKF died tragically in a car accident when a second gunman shattered his skull. His term in office lasted longer than some, and he save the world from nuclear war though his work with Cuba at the Bay of Pigs. His hobbies included Marilyn Monroe.
Julian Bunkard is the bastard son of Forrest Bunkard. Like his father, Julian enjoys popular culture and conspiracy theories. His favorite colors are helicopter black and chem trail white.