By Clara Glendale | Beacon Resignation Reporter
Just one day following her stunning if not unexpected victory in Tuesday’s mayoral election, Delores C. Denominator announced late Wednesday that she is resigning and plans to “disappear” from public life.
Denominator, who defeated three challengers in her bid to salvage her political career amid recent embezzlement convictions and other public missteps, made her announcement via telephone to a pizza delivery person. The delivery driver, whom some believe to be Guy Soundguy and whom Denominator narrowly defeated in Tuesday’s election, relayed the ex-mayor-by-default’s intentions to his next customer in the form of a note written on the inside of a pizza box.
Soundguy lost to Denominator by four votes. As the second place finisher, Soundguy ascends to the mayor-by-default post, per rules set forth in the town charter.
Soundguy, soundguy for Local Cover Band, Bass Lake’s most enduring local cover band, was unavailable for comment. He was last seen parking the band’s van in an undisclosed location near the Bass Lake Cemetery and Frisbee Golf complex.
Longtime Denominator supporter and alleged co-conspirator in Helicoptergate, former Bass Lake Authority Police chief Gwen “Tug” McNabb, said he understands more than most why Denominator would want to recede from public life despite being vindicated in the election.
“She won fair and square,” McNabb said. “Now she’s quitting fair and square. So what? I’d quit too if they’d let me. But a former BLAP chief in jail is not any place I want to be.”
Third – and fourth -place finishers in the election, Enos Felger and Forrest Bunkard respectively, were available for comment but had nothing particularly useful to say.
The announcement by Denominator stunned local political wonks who say the move is unprecedented.
“This is unprecedented,” said Polly Wonk, a visiting professor in the local issues department at Bass Lake University. “I’ve never seen this in my three months as visiting professor in the local issues department at Bass Lake University. This would seldom if ever happen in Wisconsin.”
What happens next is anyone’s guess. In order to claim his position as mayor-by-default Soundguy must appear and sign some papers. But the elusive knob-twister has not been seen in public since a Local Cover Band performance last month at Funky’s on the Bayou where he was seen twisting knobs.
As for Denominator, her resignation speech was transferred from the pizza box to an electronic format and, despite pepperoni grease stains which obfuscated parts of the text, is presented here in its bizarre and Soundguy-transcribed entirety.
Meanwhile, Bass Lake is again adrift, bereft of a quasi-valid leader to guide her through the troubled water of Michiana. Like a bridge over troubled water, Denominator helped Bass Lake residents get past scandal after scandal. She caused most of those scandals it’s true, but nonetheless her active participation in local abominations kept us all entertained and mildly appalled.
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