State of the Town Address

Other Door
Bass Lake Town Hall entrance. (Bass Lake Historical Society)

2016 State of the Town Address full text.

By Bass Lake Town Council vice-president Carolyn Shee

Fellow council members, friends, family and most of all fellow Bass Lakeans, the state of the town is strong.

Even as these words echo throughout this chamber I can hear several of you grumbling about this and that as though merely adding up things you didn’t like about the previous year, the year 2015 as it was called by many on both sides of the aisle, though in some circles, our friends in our sister city of Beijing for instance, for whom the year 2015 means nothing because they use an entirely different base year to keep track of our trips around the sun so that come February 8, which is the Monday after the Super Bowl (Go Beaver!), our Chinese brothers and sisters will celebrate the year 4712, 4713 or 4652, depending on which formula it is to which you adhere, does not mean in anyway that the year 2015 was a failure, especially when you take the time to consider the successes which are many and include the near construction of a domed stadium, strides toward economic viability when a new bottle cap factory was almost approved, the ongoing consideration of sidewalk beautification, the approval of the previous year’s budget without any changes, the sudden and somewhat suspicious death of our former mayor-by-default the honorable and deceased Delores Common Denominator and the last-minute cancellation of a visit by the His Honor the Pope, which I like to call a postpopement (pause for laughter) the few abject failures notwithstanding, by most counts amounting to the reluctance of our esteemed Mayor Guy Soundguy to make any public appearances whatsoever, which is why it was left to me, the vice-president of the Bass Lake Town Council, a true patriot and supporter of human rights for all including my opponents, to deliver this address, 2015 was a pretty darn good year. The current year, 2016, promises to be even better.

The business of town running is never a cut and dried affair. Just ask Bitsy McGlokindoogle. Some of you may recall that Bitsy was town manager of an outpost not far from here. She woke every day to nearly insurmountable odds in the keeping of the trust of her townspeople and in the keeping vital of her town. And it nearly killed her. Let us not forget the sacrifices of Bitsy McGlokindoogle.

Some of my goals as vice-president of the Bass Lake Town Council include a more aggressive stance on trade issues, particularly with our neighbors in Nearbytown. We have suffered long enough the economic tsunami of their reckless pricing schemes on goods such as wool socks, mutton chops and lambskin car seat covers. Their attempts to dislodge our own bait & tackle, chicken supply and ribbon cutting industries from relevance in the 21st century can be tolerated no longer. As part of my Bass Lake Business Strong plan, I will recommend certain import tariffs be applied to their goods while using subsidies to prop up our own business community to keep affordable products such as donuts, bee moths and ice fishing buckets in an effort to combat these vicious attacks on free trade.

In the area of crime prevention and suppression, I fully intend to lead the charge to hire a new chief of police. And let me say here and now that we have with us tonight a member of the Bass Lake Authority Police who once held that very post. Gwen “Tug” McNabb served this town proudly and competently for many years before being led down the path of impropriety by the thrills of vertical aviation. He has paid his debt and I believe it is time to reinstate him as BLAP Chief.

In conclusion, I repeat the words of Bass Lake’s founder, Reginald Q. Bass Jr, who just before his execution for unspecified crimes, said, “You people will live to regret this, if any of you live long enough.”

Thank you.

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