An excellent source of L-Tryptophan on short notice. (Not a real child-actress)

By The Princeworth Bunch | Beacon food-writing celebrities

One (1) 12- to 28-pound turkey, thawed (if it isn’t too late already)
Sage, thyme, oregano, marjoram, rosemary, salt, pepper and paprika (pinch). Oh, and parsley and maybe nutmeg
Probe-style meat thermometer
Large plastic bag (to taste)
Celery, two sprigs
Orange/lemon/lime slice (for beverage adornment)
Spices/turkey broth (but not both)
2 T olive oil, for some reason
14 slices of dried white bread, diced and stuffed with cranberry juice
45% bay leaf, if desired
Bloody-mary stuffing (recipe does not follow)
Pie

Preheat oven to appropriate temperature. Grease and season turkey however you wish. Remove giblet elements from cavity, store in refrigerator until after its non-use, then donate to charity at a later date. Follow instructions included in turkey packaging (if necessary, retrieve from trash after accidental-discard). Watch first half of Lions game, become discouraged. Cook turkey until thermometer registers the proper number. Invite some people at the last minute, via social media. Prepare side dishes. Consume meal. Nap like a kindergarten student (if desired). Serves plenty.