Delayed sports report: Canoes win opener!

By Ken at the Paper | With augmentation from Clara Glendale/Beacon!

football23
No. 23 in your game program, No. 45 in our hearts. (Practice photo)

Bass Lake High School Canoes opened the 2015 season last Friday with a 7-6 drubbing of the Hogback Lake Forrowers, in MoonShine Conference season-opening football action.

Freshman place-kicker Early Crusherton scored the deciding point in the waning moments of the first quarter, following a 45-yard fumble return TD by reserve-soph linebacker Chase Manhattan.

“I just picked up the pigskin and ran like I couldn’t run anymore,” Manhattan said after the game. “I wasn’t even supposed to be on the field. It was a substitution mixup. AFL, here I come, bi-otch!”

Minutes later, Manhattan was transported via ambulance to Regional Corporate Hospital’s Athletic Observation Unit, for symptons of Manic Episode Syndrome.

In a post-game interview via the Internet, Canoes head coach Zeb Dreppelin gushed accolades, singling out the play of running back Gush Accolades, 16, who piled up 60 yards on 36 carries.

“He did what we asked, and maybe more,” Dreppelin said. “And we all need to, too.”

Klem “Holder” Somebody was highly instrumental in the point-differential for Bass Lake (1-0, 1-0 MoonShine).
Klem “Holder” Tackett was highly instrumental in the point-differential for Bass Lake (1-0, 1-0 MoonShine).

In-depth statistics were lost when a team manager dropped the scorebook (and his personally-assigned student Chromebook) into a mud-puddle, and failed to notify the coaching staff of his mishap.

The young youth has been placed on the school’s expulsion waiting list, according to Bass Lake School Board of Education, for failure to adhere to student-athlete guidelines.

Friday’s victory marks the first time since 1997 that the Canoes opened the season unblemished at 1-0. A co-captain of that team, Baker Sfield, recently released a self-published memoir, “We’ll Be the Last Good Team We Ever Had.” Sfield currently resides in West Houston, Mont., with his wife and her step-sister’s grandchild.

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