Bass Lake Beacon files

“If you can, stay off the highway. But if you have to be on the highway, try not to stay off of it.”
— Gwen “Tug” McNabb, then-chief, then-Bass Lake Police Authority

“It’s just not safe out there.”
— Snow

“I believe a so-called poetry manifesto would appeal only to angst-ridden college students,
pre-teen diarists, quasi-novelists, English teachers, flag-burners and middle-age men who look like Allen Ginsberg.”
— M. Adam Bradbury (R-Bass Lake, PhD history)

“I took out all the stories involving drug use and cow-tipping and just included his more slightly less illegal activities.”
— Jan Flug, Bass Lake High School drama teacher, and playwright and director of “Lawrence of Michiana”

“Nothing.”
— Ben Mum, head of a local grocer’s group

“Now get out of my face, journalist. Show’s over.”
— Greg “Funky” Gregory, owner, Funky’s on the Bayou

“Products disappear sometimes, and that’s normal. But outright stealing — that’s unusual.”
— Clem Brickston, owner, Bass Lake Inn-Convenience

“They say the first seven years are the hardest. Well, we’re 14.285714 percent of the way there!”
— Emma Fleiswater, first anniversary co-recipient and fifth-grade math teacher

“It was a special and risky maneuver, one we did not practice.”
— Goren Flatten, coach, Norwegian clothes-drying squad

“Our group became a shell of its former self.”
— Shelly Chelonian, ex-chairwoman, former Turtle Collectors Club

“Look.”
— Rock Underwood, spokesman, Bass Lake Sidewalk Beautification and Replacement Committee

“We had it wedged but that potent gust nudged it to the left and, well, there you have it. It’s happened before. It’ll happen again.”
— Jack Lumbar, lead saw man, Blue Ox Tree Service (a Bunyan Company)

“It’s just a garage. Why are you here?”
— Clifton Inoculator, Bass Lake handyman

“I don’t think the community can take much more of this.”
— Committee member who wished to remain anonymous

“If you can’t overrule yourself, who can you trust?”
— Local judge Judge Judy Judge

“First, our backhoe threw a bucket pin through the Johnson valve and then our hand-shovel broke.”
— The spokesman, speaking on the condition that his name was unavailable at typing time

“Criminals don’t need to know we’re looking for them.”
— Tug McNabb, then-chief, then-Bass Lake Police Authority

“What a sad, sad day. I mean, it was a sad day already, but the toppling-over made it twice as worse.”
— Peppy Schlitz, 45, occasional Bass Lake resident

“I’m fed up with these stupid food names and having to turn to the internet to find out what the hell my kid is eating … I’m just thankful my kid can’t read.”
— Steve Stroganoff, parent of BLE student

“My favorite part was when the helicopter plunged into the lake. What a finale!”
— Dwayne Clarkstead, Bass Lake

“Those rodents would gnaw on Clem Bricksten’s wooden leg, even if he never washed it, which he doesn’t. But don’t quote me on that.”
— M.I. Angola, Bass Lake author

“Student safety is our No. 1 concern. But budgets are the bottom line.”
— Simon Greenless, president, Bass Lake School Board of Education

“Where are your whereabouts, Mr. Soundguy?”
— Al Schwartz, Bass Lake Poet Laureate

“I can’t speak for all of us, but I’m about to burn the steak.”
— Carolyn Shee, vice president, Bass Lake Town Council

“It was a slap in the face. Like gettin’ hit in the face by an open hand.”
— Tiger Clemson, fourth-grader, Bass Lake Elementary

“It’s the fulfillment of a several months-long dream.”
— Ned Levelcut, owner, Ned Levelcut Lawn Mower and String Trimmer Repair and Tax Return Preparation and Dock Installation and Removal

“Acronyms are all the rage. My pledge to the town of Bass Lake is to keep it on the bleeding edge of rage.”
— Delores Denominator, disgraced ex-mayor-by-default, Bass Lake

“I was all excited about bounce-house. I didn’t have that much fun in it. I wanted it bouncier.”
— Shauna (Last Name Withheld)

“It’s a lot of labor, but I love it. Many people do. Some of us refer to it as a ‘labor of love.’”
— Pauline Zanders, vice president, Bass Lake Community Foundation

“This is a good way to get rid of your goods.”
— Ex-girlfriend-to-be of the Rev. Father Dr. John Paul Wesley Jr., St. Methodist Catholic Church

“Corn’s up.”
— Corn’s up