By Laurel and Marty Princeworth | Beacon contributors

Ingredients:
Turkey (preferably pre-killed by an outside party). To select the correct size of turkey,  calculate size of gathering, amount of leftovers desired and assessment of each diner’s average appetite, taking into account other things everyone plans to eat during the meal. Divide that number by 3 and multiply it by one-half the square root of 45.

Pre-prep:
Prepare brine. Go to hardware store to purchase 5-gallon bucket for brine, because you forgot to do that last week. Decide against brining at the 11th hour, since it’s a risk that “cooking outside the box” may fail and ruin the holiday season for everyone. Email bookie to pick the Lions’ opponent against the spread. Take nap and imagine you’re a part of a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade float. Wake up and peel potatoes.

Instructions:
1. Early on Thanksgiving Thursday, prepare turkey the same way you always do. Boil giblets, then discard.
2. Cook bird at pre-determined oven temperature for several hours. To test doneness, meat thermometer should read “risk of food poisoning is unlikely.”
3. Remove turkey from oven.
4. Allow formerly-living animal to rest, undisturbed, for 15 to 31 minutes, so juices settle, or so says this cookbook. Meanwhile, ruin the gravy and burn the biscuits (Hint: flaky-layered variety scorches nicely).

Carving:
Carve turkey like you know what you’re doing, using knife received as a gift at least 10 years ago. If slicing technique fails, apologize to everyone shortly following the pre-meal prayer (if applicable).

Goes well with:
Vegetables, boxed-stuffing and pumpkin-flavored dessert.

Next month: Ham-fisted Christmas ham

Related: Leftover turkey-sandwich soup-stew (watch the Beacon for elaboration)