Bass Lake University quarterback to transfer, following ‘Trolley Problem’ clash with coach

By Max Fontaine | Bad news sports reporter

Railroad tracks
Preseason drills at BLU have gone off the rails.

Bass Lake University senior quarterback Zachary Lambrusco has announced he will transfer, following a run-in with new coach Jean-Paul Kierkegaard, in regard to “The Trolley Problem.”

“I said I’d have no problem pulling the lever, or not pulling the lever,” Lambrusco said. “Then I asked him why it matters. He didn’t answer. Then he (the coach) asked me about pushing the fat-man, or whatever. Finally I said ‘shouldn’t we be running drills? We have a game in, like, two weeks.’ He glared at me. After practice, I started texting former high school teammates at other schools.”

Kierkegaard, entering his first season as head football coach following the January resignation of Flip Alabama, explained his motivation for the alleged confrontation a few hours ago.

“There is no right or wrong answer,” said Kierkegaard, who is also senior professor of philosophy at BLU. “All I ask is commitment. Zachary’s attitude about the thought-experiment was flippant. I can’t have that from my so-called ‘field general.’ Is this how he’ll react in the Red Zone?”

Lambrusco started all 11 games for the Beaver in 2013, leading the team to a 4-7 record. He completed a decent percentage of his passes, threw for several touchdowns and lost four fumbles — two of those on the same play.

Kierkegaard said he was disappointed by Lambrusco’s decision to transfer, but will support him any way he can.

“I hope he steers his life in a humanitarian direction,” Kierkegaard said.

The transfer decision leaves a gap in or on the depth chart, as the season opener vs. Stripmall State quickly approaches. Most likely to start is redshirt freshman Mason Merlot, an assistant coach hinted.




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