Bodies Piling Up in Morgue

Max Fontaine * Hard-news beat reporter

The relentless winter of 2014 has not only caused local farmers, sports enthusiasts and nudists to delay their normal spring activities, it has created a bottleneck of bodies at Jolly’s Morgue and Donuts. With the ground still frozen and the lake sealed by an estimated two-feet of ice,  those who died since early December have been cooling their heals cheek-by-jelly-filled subs.

Jolly’s Morgue and Donut owner Jim “Jolly” Jimmerschmidt said he is running out of space at his four-drawer facility.

“They’re stacked like cord-wood back there,” Jimmerschmidt said of his permanently late guests. “Normally they move on like day-old donuts. Not this year.”

It’s been a perfect storm of below freezing temperatures, malfunctioning digging machines and unexpectedly increased mortality, according to a Bass Lake Cemetery and Frisbee Golf Center spokesman.

“First our backhoe threw a bucket pin through the Johnson valve and then our hand shovel broke,” said the spokesman, speaking on the condition that his name was unavailable at typing time. “Then all those old people died. What the hell?”

“Those old people” include several past oldest resident finalists and one or two others who decided to check out early.  Smiley Tackett, Sid Claussen, Betsy “Commander” Nelson, Cornwall “Spud” Buckminster and possibly George “Richard” Dick, who recently disappeared into his pants, have gotten close in death inside the wall freezer at the morgue.  Several unreported deaths have yet to be reported so that number could climb.

“I can’t remember who we have, to tell you the truth,” Jimmerschmidt said. “But I’ve had to cut back on crullers since about mid-February.”

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