Death Notice: Nicolas “Old Nick” Satanis

goatintreeNicolas “Old Nick” Satanis, 66 and six months, entered the Eternal Fires of Hell on Sunday, March 27.  Old Nick, though known by all, was loved by few, save a handful of teenage fans of thrash metal.

“Old Nick” origin stories are shrouded in mystery but most likely Satanis was born on or near June 6, 1951, in a barn on the outskirts of Nearbytown. His mother was a goat, his father likely was not. They’re probably dead.

He leaves behind a bottomless seething pit of bat heads, black light posters of pentagrams, a stable of beefy bouncers wearing Ozzy t-shirts, all 12 Slayer albums and a lifetime supply of charcoal briquets.

A midnight carry-in service will begin at 10 p.m. on Tuesday or Wednesday at Funky’s on the Bayou. Local Cover Band Jr. will open, with Local Cover Band following. There is no cover if you bring a dish to pass. There will be a cover charge of $5 or your soul if you do not.


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