Football: BLU (somehow) opens season 3-0

By Ken at the Paper | Assistant to the Assistant Sports Editor

The game's hero, as a young student-athlete. (Artist photo-rendering)
The game’s hero, photographed as a previous youth-student-athlete. (Shutterbug Rendering)

Bass Lake University defeated Upper Area MonsterTrucks on Saturday, as the Beaver sported their first 3-0 start since Jimmy Carter was just about to not be president of the United States anymore.

Final score was 19-13 — and it still is.

With the game tied 13-13 and 1:45 remaining in regulation, junior special teams specialist Goose “Goose” McNally prepared to attempt a 45-yard field goal. Then, the Beaver shocked everyone at Vacant Lot Stadium with a gadget play: Holder Ben Kickholder took the snap, arose from his kneeling position, rolled right, veered left, juked, then tossed a 28-yard touchdown pass to sophomore receiver J’Matrius Bontrager, who hails from the Amish Quarter of Queens, N.Y.

The extra-point attempt sailed wide-right, and also came up short of the crossbar.

Following the ensuing kickoff, MonsterTrucks QB Max Paxton fumbled on the first play from scrimmage. With Upper Area devoid of timeouts, BLU managed to run out the clock by utilizing a new play dubbed “The Kneel-Down.”

In the postgame press conference, BLU head coach Jean-Paul Kierkegaard was ecstatic, yet partially subdued.

“Our entire team channeled Auguste Comte throughout the game,” Kierkegaard said. “I know that comment sounds like ‘coach-speak,’ but no other cliche will suffice.”

BLU’s previous most-recent 3-game winning streak to open a season came (and went) in 1980, when the Beaver notched victories over Tech-Tech, Middle-Valley and Farmers & Bankers Stenography College, by a combined winning margin of 5 points.

All three institutions have since been consolidated with other universities, folded, or both.

Max Fontaine contributed to this report, to provide “some historical context, for once,” he said. Max can be reached by email.

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