By Clara Glendale, Beacon Beat Reporter
In what may be the most bizarre performance in her short political career, Mayor-by-default Delores Denominator last night delivered an unintelligible report to the Bass Lake Town Council and a handful of citizens who clearly had nothing better to do.
Mayor Denominator’s address, which followed Police Chief Tug McNabb’s much anticipated A Stellar Year for Crime: 2012 Crime Report, left everyone in attendance wondering what remedies may be available. Some called for the immediate resignation of the mayor and the elimination of the largely ceremonial duties of the office altogether.
And I thank them for that.
-Mayor Delores Denominator
Denominator ascended to the mayoralty following the abrupt resignation of former Mayor Jack Blovine, who a mere 45 minutes into his term called it quits to spend more time with his family. Blovine in September defeated Denominator handily, wining the election with a whopping 98 percent of the vote.
In accordance with the Bass Lake Charter, the second-place finisher “shall complete the unfulfilled term of the previous holder of said office.”
“I doubt the founders had her in mind when they concocted that rule,” said Bass Lake Council member Reggie Jones (I-Out-on-the-Highway) “She is clearly unfit for anything.”
Following the 2012 Crime Report given by Bass Lake Police Authority Chief Tug McNabb, Mayor Denominator walked to the podium to take her turn. Initially designed to adhere to the format of the State of the Union address on the national level, the Bass Lake Yearly Wrap-Up has for years been used to efficiently summarize the events of the previous 12 months and the general condition of things. But no more.
Mayor Denominator’s speech, which she called her “2014 State of Bass Lake Address” was doomed before it began, said one citizen who asked not to be identified by name.
“I told her at breakfast just to do what has been done in the past,” the man said. “Don’t make waves, I said. But oh no. She never listens to me!”
Rather than try to decipher the mayor’s speech, the editors of the Bass Lake Beacon have elected to print it in its entirety.
A discussion on the future of the office of the mayor will take place at the next Council meeting slated for sometime in April or May, depending on when the bluegill start bedding.
Max Fontaine contributed pointless details to this story, details which were
later deleted without his knowledge.