By Jackson Frolic * Senior Editor

As of 7 p.m. Jan. 1, 2014, Bass Lake Time (BST), the top story of 2014 has not happened.

The non-determination was confirmed by Bass Lake Area Manager Stoli Wodka, via text message.

“Nothing has happened yet this year,” Wodka texted. “It’s early, sure, but goes to show, shit gets boring around here in a hurray every year *hurry* shot I mean shot damn autocorrect LOL.”

Texts to other sources seeking comment were largely ignored, which, coincidentally, was Bass Lake Beacon’s top story of 2013.